I hate shopping.
Even worse than shopping on a regular day, I loathe any shopping trip after Halloween.
This particular shopping trip I despised more for the simple reason is that I was in mourning.
My beloved coffee pot had died.
I did not think that my heart could take much more pain than the sound of a glass pot shattering into pieces that could not be reassembled..(I tried.).
Then I realized that I would have to suffer a holiday shopping trip to find a new decanter for my pot.
Oh, the humanity.
But I would be brave. Mr. Coffee would have insisted that I go on.
So as Celine Dion softly sings My Heart Will go on, I began devising my shopping plan.
Yes, folks, I design a shopping plan.
I was staring at the map of Wal-Mart coming up with my line of attack.
I was dressed in combat shopping fatigues and had my face paint on.
This mission was better planned than Normandy or Desert Storm.
It had it mapped all out.
At precisely 1100 hrs I would exit my vehicle parked in a handicap spot. That would be followed by a mad sprint for the Garden Center doors. Immediately upon entering, I would dive behind the gardening plants and then crawl on the floor until I reached the door.
I would be using a tomato plant for cover.
Once at the door, I would grab a buggy that had been strategically parked next to the artificial trees. (I am not sure why,but there is always an unoccupied bugging there.)
I would then create a distraction by the price of an action alley item and in the melee created by shoppers to purchase the $6.99 7ft Christmas Tree, I would make my way to the clothing section.
There I would slip into a disguise of a old man in a robe and house shoes.
I would snap and use the term “In my day…” periodically to throw any suspicion off.
At approximately 1125 hours, I would arrive in housewares and proceed immediately for my goal of the replacement coffee decanter. Find said object, then hijack a pallet and pallet jack to make my way to the check out lanes.
I would prefer a self-checkout lane and was prepared to fight for a spot.
So now as the music was playing the theme from Rambo, I was adding last minute gear.
And off I went.
On my way to the store, I stopped by a drive-thru to buy a large coffee. He would be my wingman on this invasion.
I called him Charlie and he had my back.
So I parked in the parking lot, with two minutes to spare. Did a last minute weapon’s check on myself and Charlie.
My phone timer dinged and so we exited the vehicle and stormed the parking lot in a manner that would make the Marines proud.
All was going well. The tomato plant offered great concealment, and the buggy was there as planned.
The diversion started a death match between two old ladies and I was well on my way to the clothing section.
I found the robe and slippers, I put Charlie in a pocket and headed off to housewares.
Everyone I passed, I gave the same answer,“Nothing to see here, just an average ordinary customer shopping. These are not the droids you are looking for.
Finally, at my destination, I began alternating between sipping my coffee and finding a new coffee decanter.
What the heck!
I saw that the decanters were more expensive than a new coffee machine.
In the confusion and the anger, my coffee cup slipped out of my hand.
I remember every second in slow motion as Charlie fell to the ground..
I screamed, “Charlie! They got Charlie!!”
I fell to my knees in anguish, holding the empty and lifeless cup in my hands. I was wondering how I could face his wife, Instant Coffee, and his three little Keurig cup children.
He had only begun to brighten my day with his caffeinated goodness.
I looked up and through my teary eyes saw two Wal-Mart employees just staring at me.
I knew that after all was said and done, I would not abort my mission. I would complete the mission.
Semper Fi, good buddy. I will toss back a hot one for you.
So now I sit at home, a new coffee pot in hand, and a warning from Wal-mart Management to please refrain from screaming in the store.]]>