So today, to answer some canine emails, I have turned the column over to our resident interwebs expert, Roswell.
My hooman will not give me a treat every time I go outside, is he defective?
Hungry in Tulsa
Have you tried going outside and coming back in?
I beg and beg, yet my hooman will not share their noms with me. They insist on feeding me only dog food.
Desperate in Seattle
Beg. Do not be ashamed to whine or even bark. Eventually, they will give in. Also, are you using the sad puppy dog eyes?
My owner insists on making me wear hooman clothes. Is it okay to chew on them?
Ridiculous in Richmond
I researched and I found that hooman clothes on dogs violate the Geneva convention. Not only is it permissible, you are also expected to chew on their shoes.
Many hoomans have forgotten the reason behind dressing dogs in clothes. It all dates back to the punishments handed down after the unsuccessful Poodle Revolt of Paris in 1799.
That is why poodles are shaved to look like cotton balls to this day.
My people are always asking me who’s a good boy. How do I find out?
Worried in West Virginia
Do not look for who is a good boy! Repeat do not look! The Illuminati have conditioned humans to ask for who is a good boy. They are not asking you if you are a good boy, unlike we are led to believe.
From my research, there is a secret dog resistance run by an operative who goes by the Codename of Good Boy. They are asking you for information on the leader of the movement.
My hoomans expect me to shake, but will not learn to sniff my butt like dogs. Why?
Confused in California
During the unsuccessful Poodle Revolt, Dogs tried to keep hoomans in the dark by requiring a special butt sniff much like the hooman secret handshake. After the revolt was put down, we were forbidden to sniff them to allow them to infiltrate our organizations.
This prevents future uprisings.
How do I know if my hooman is happy since I never see them wag their tails? Come to think of it, my hoomans have never shown me their tails.
Befuddled in Boston
Hoomans hide their tails under their changeable furs. Why remains a mystery to all doggie scientists. We think it has something to do with their desire to groom in the wet place on a daily basis.
My hooman insists on hiding their valuable socks in something called a drawer. I am not even allowed to have one, let alone chew on it! Why, they have so many, why can’t they share one or two?!
My Hoomans not only hide their socks, they hide their shoes as well. There is no reason I can think of for such greed. Do we not protect their houses from invasions by leaves and the guy stealing paper from the mailbox?
Well folks, I would take more of your emails, but my hooman says it is time for me to go for a walk. So keep those emails coming and I will answer more in the future.
Keep those tails wagging and may you find the tasty garbage!